An emotional affair happens when a person invests too much emotional energy with someone outside their marriage, and in turn receives too much emotional support and companionship from that relationship. How much is “too much?” There aren’t black and white rules for when a relationship moves from innocent friendship to an emotional affair … but there are patterns, and signs to watch for. In an emotional affair, people often feel closer to each other than their spouses, and often experience increasing sexual tension.

In fact, emotional affairs are often the gateway leading to full blown sexual infidelity. “About half of such emotional involvements do eventually turn into full-blown affairs, sex and all.” (Source: MSNBC) Viewed from another perspective, most sexual infidelity happens between people who were in relationships that were already in - or edging into - emotional affair territory. Infidelity researcher Shirley P. Glass reports that “82 percent of affairs happen with someone who was at first ‘just a friend.’”

In a marriage, time together and emotional energy is limited, and so if one spouse is sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with someone else, this time and emotional energy is not available to their spouse. People in emotional affairs often don’t feel guilt about what they are doing, because there is no sex involved. But their spouses don’t see it that way.

Many marriage experts view emotional affairs to be as damaging as sexual affairs. A common characteristic of emotional affairs is dishonesty with one’s partner about the relationship. People in emotional affairs often deny and deceive their partners about how much time is being spent with the “affair partner,” and/or how much emotional intimacy is being shared. Much of the pain and hurt from an emotional affair is due to this deception, and the consequent feelings of being betrayed.

Some guidelines*:

You’re in danger of crossing the line if you…
1. Touch your friend in “legal” ways, like picking lint off his blazer, or putting your hand on her shoulder as you walk through a door.
2. Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him / her.
3. Think crush-like thoughts like “She’d love this song!”
4. Tell him / her more details about your day than you do your partner.
5. No longer feel comfortable telling your mate about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.
6. Experience increasing sensual tension; you admit your attraction to him/her but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it.

It’s about to get physical when you…
1. Find yourself feeling vulnerable and turn to the other person for support rather than to your mate or a trusted relative or friend.
2. Accelerate the level of intimacy through sensual or suggestive talk over email or the phone.
3. Put yourself in a situation where the two of you could be alone.

You can avoid the potential affair if you…
1. Stay honest with your partner. Share with him / her all your hopes, triumphs, and failures — as well as your attractions and temptations, which will help keep you from acting on them.
2. Stay honest with some close recovery friends. Telling them about your attractions and temptations will also help keep you from acting on them.
3. Make sure you have “couple time” with your spouse on a regular basis — away from the kids, your friends, and family. Given today’s busy schedules, this often requires commitment and planning.
4. Surround yourself with happy couples who don’t believe in fooling around. Having positive, emotionally connected role models will help you stay on track.