Introduction from the L.I.F.E. Guide for Men Workbook

Welcome to the journey toward Living in Freedom Everyday. I pray that this workbook will richly bless your L.I.F.E.. Producing it has been a labor of love and is the result of the wisdom and generosity of many people. Not the least of these are the thousands of addicts and spouses that I have had the honor of working with over the last 15 years. But, mostly, it is the product of God's love and grace in many lives, including my own.

Any of you familiar with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous will recognize that the Principles follow the wisdom of those steps. It has always been my feeling that the 12 Steps contain much wisdom. Many Christians, however, have been reluctant to use them because they are not specific enough about our need to be in a totally dependent relationship with Christ. Therefore, we condensed the steps into seven principles and elaborated them in a language that is consistent with our faith.

This workbook will also introduce a new way of looking at what has for years been called "recovery." This is the journey of freedom from old behaviors. We don't seek to recover old ways. But, we do seek to recover in that we want to get well. The freedom that we seek, however, is a matter of "transformation." It is a journey that involves changing our lives. And, it is achieved through God's transforming power and love. Many of you familiar with the language of the recovery movement will notice that there are some ways that words change when we start thinking of the healing journey as transforming.

Over the years I have been immensely pleased when hearing about groups of men and women who have formed support groups for sexual addiction and have used my first workbook. Many of these groups call themselves "faithful and true." So why, then, do we need a new workbook? Our findings have been that because of the format of the original book, it was taking groups too long to get through the material. Many of the groups have taken up to a year to study through all of the lessons. Consequently, when a new member wanted to join the group, he often had to wait an extended period of time to get back to the beginning, and to the basic material that all people need to understand in the first days and weeks of the transforming journey.

These workbooks don't mean to necessarily replace that workbook. There is still a great deal of depth and power to the combination of material and Scriptural study. We have needed, however, a way to cycle through basic material in shorter periods of time. The design of this workbook and others in the series is that material can be studied in seven-week cycles corresponding to the Seven Principles. If you consider the outline, you will see that each principle has been divided into three main sections, or assignments. Each section goes increasingly deeper into the transforming journey of healing from sexual addiction. Intentionally, every person in a L.I.F.E. group can be working on the same principle in the same week. Some may be in the early days of their journey; others may have been working for weeks, or even months.

The material is designed to meet individual need at varying times, while still focusing the group on one of the Seven Principles. Hopefully, working on this workbook will be like reading the Bible. Every time you do it, new thoughts and inspiration will come to you. If that is true, you will truly be able to use this material on an ongoing and indefinite basis.

This workbook really begins with my own story of sexual sin and addiction. It began when I was a boy and experienced sexual abuse, and it continued until I was 37 years old. Along the way, it included addictive masturbation, pornography, use of prostitution and sex with multiple women. The worst part of my story is that I abused the privilege of being a pastor and counselor by being sexual with women who had come to me for help. In a way, all of my writing is an attempt to make amends for the damage I did to my wife, family, and many others. Even though I had accepted Christ as my Savior early on as the son of a pastor, I never really surrendered my L.I.F.E. to His liberating Lordship until I finally got sober. I had been beseeching God to change me, but I was really very spiritually immature and was trying to manipulate Him. I wanted what Alcoholics Anonymous calls, "a softer, gentler way." I spent a lot of my L.I.F.E. being angry with God for not "fixing" me. I harbored deep longings inside my soul that I didn't know how to verbalize. I was lonely and angry - not only with God, but with many others around me. I had an active mind and was bored.

I sought counseling with many therapists and pastors. Since I was never fully honest with any of them, they couldn't help. Since they didn't, I had one more set of people to blame. My wife and I had what appeared, on the outside, to be a normal marriage. But really, we were strangers to each other, as there were many things about me that she didn't know. In essence, I led a "double L.I.F.E.." I was a successful pastor, teacher and counselor on the outside, but I was a mess on the inside. Lust gripped me in ways that not even I accepted. And, I was in denial thinking that I could help myself if I wanted to. After all, who could I really talk to? To reveal my sins would bring consequences that I wasn't willing to face.

Finally, a group of angry people intervened on me. They had come to know about my sexual behaviors. They fired me from all of my jobs. They said that they loved me, but very few of them have ever talked to me since. There was one man in that group. He was a recovering alcoholic. The Holy Spirit, I think, came to him that day. I will never forget his words, "I think that your behaviors with sex are no different than mine with booze. If you trust me, I will find you some help." I was too tired to resist. I did what he told me to do. I went to a treatment center started by Dr. Patrick Carnes. Finally, I became honest with many people and started to heal. To this day, I am grateful for the pioneering work of Pat Carnes. Many of you will notice that some of what you will read in this book is based on his pioneering work. I am also grateful to a recovering alcoholic. In many ways my healing began with the pioneering work that Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith started in 1935, a movement that became known as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Many of you will notice the obvious heritage of AA and its influence in some of these pages.

As I write this, I have 15 years of ongoing sobriety from sexual behaviors outside of my marriage. My wife and I have been married for thirty years. It is really only through her grace that I began to understand God's grace. Along the way I may use elements of my story to illustrate various points. I do this not to tell you how wonderful I am that I have stopped all of those behaviors. It is only through the transforming power and love of God that I am alive. I use my own story in the hope that it might be an encouragement to you to know that I am one of you. I don't write from some distant academic place. Like you, I'm also deeply longing for a more dependent relationship with Jesus Christ as I continue to seek Him in more dependent ways.

Most of all, I want you to know that complete healing is possible. When I "crashed and burned" and went to the treatment center, I thought that God was finished with me. Many people were angry with me. My story wound up on the front page of the local newspaper. My wife and I had no money. It was only then, in that brokenness, that we both really began to find the reality and healing presence of a loving, forgiving, restoring God. I had been too proud earlier. Now, in my total weakness, did I really come to understand that only He could do for me what I couldn't do for myself? Someone shared a scripture with me that became my theme verse during that early time. It is Philippians 1:6: "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ's coming."

Back then, in those early days, I never thought that I'd be writing any books. But, God has done some unbelievable things in my L.I.F.E.. I hope that you find this workbook to be a place where your journey of healing and transformation begins. Please know that even as I write I am praying for you, and for you to know God in a more powerful way, as Christ completes the good work He began in your life.

How to Use this Workbook

Hopefully, you will be using this book because someone at a L.I.F.E. group recommended or gave it to you. You have made a decision to do something about your sexual addiction and have found a L.I.F.E. group. This means that you will have the strength of the fellowship of other men to help you get started. Lean on them and learn how to listen. Your own best thinking is what got you in this place. Quiet your mind. Remind Satan that he has lost the battle with you, and that he should shut up too. You don't want to listen to him. You have made a firm commitment not to listen to him again.

The first thing you will need to do is to obtain a journal of some sort. It could be as simple as a spiral bound notebook. It could be a fancy journal you can find at bookstores and office supply stores. It may even be a three-ring binder that you keep adding notebook sheets to. Whatever it is, your personal journal should be something that you feel completely comfortable writing in. We made a decision not to put a great deal of space in this workbook for you to write in. That is so you may refer back to its pages over and over again.

You can copy some of it and give it to others. We want you to do most of the writing assignments in your journal instead of in this workbook, but we have provided some short-answer space here just for convenience. Each assignment will contain some amount of discussion about the principle being presented, and the thought processes necessary to complete the particular writing assignment(s) within that principle. We have clearly marked the actual assignment instructions within the larger discussion content to be sure you understand what you should record in your journal.

You should put your name on your journal. This now becomes your sacred document. No one else should see it unless you decide to show it to them. Do you remember how some of those old diaries had locks on them? Get that idea in your head. This is your journal. We want you to be completely honest in it. We don't want anyone else reading it uninvited.

We have seen, over the years, that others may want to look at your journal. Your wife may be one of them. Don't be hard on her for wanting to. She is petrified and hurt. She is wanting to know the truth. She is angry with you and may feel like she has the right to look at your journal. But hear me out: keeping the contents of the diary of your L.I.F.E. is a healthy boundary you should not be afraid to set. The writing that you do in your journal is between you and God. Pray for the power of the Holy Spirit to help you.

You may at times want to show what you've written to your wife, to others, to your sponsor, group members, pastor, or therapist. It is acceptable if you feel it is for your benefit. Please know that it is your decision, OK?

Each of the Seven Principles is divided into three assignments. Every time a L.I.F.E. group meets it will focus on one of these principles. That principle will be the theme of that meeting. Every L.I.F.E. group, however, will have men in it at different stages in their healing journey. Some of the men may have years of sobriety. For others, it may be their first meeting. We intend for L.I.F.E. groups to always be open to new members who are coming for the first time. We can't predict God's timing as to when a person may finally decide to get help. Therefore, every time a L.I.F.E. group works on a principle, each man in the group should be working on one of the three assignments within that principle.

Each assignment is designed to take you deeper in the work of a principle. Assignment One will consistently be somewhat basic - it is the core and the foundation of that principle. Each Assignment Two will always ask you to work on the next core elements. Finally, Assignment Three will take you into deeper understandings of a principle. It is intended that you will work on the assignments in succession, but the idea is that you will work on all seven of the first assignments first, then all seven of the second assignments, and finally all seven of the third assignments.

That means that after completing Principle One, Assignment One, you will move on to Principle Two, Assignment One. When you have completed Principle Seven, Assignment One you will then go back to Principle One, Assignment Two, and so forth.

You might want to put a chart in your journal that looks something like the one below. You can use it to check off how you're doing.

Remember that you will be working across this chart. Principle One, Assignment One is the first work you will do. Principle Seven, Assignment One is the seventh work you will do. Principle One, Assignment Two is the eighth work. Principle One, Assignment Three is the fifteenth. Finally, Principle Seven, Assignment Three is the twenty-first work you will do.

There are a total, therefore, of twenty-one assignments. This does not mean that you will just need twenty-one weeks to do all of the work. It may take you several weeks to do one of the assignments. The important thing to remember is that you can work at a pace that is comfortable for you.

Your sponsor or your group will help you to know how you're doing. Remember that at each meeting you will be working on an assignment related to the principle being discussed that night. This could technically mean that you could work several different times on the same assignment, but that those times could be seven weeks apart.

Let's assume for example that you are working on Principle One, Assignment One. You start on this the first time your L.I.F.E. group is addressing that principle. The next week you will move to Principle Two, Assignment One. You may not be completely finished with Principle One, Assignment One. You can come back to it. You just keep going. By this understanding it could possibly take you a year to work through the entire workbook for the first time. Others of you, being impatient, may want to march right through and get all the work of an assignment done in one week. It will therefore take you twenty-one weeks to get through the entire workbook for the first time.

Everyone is different. This workbook is a living, breathing document. You may work through it a number of times in the course of your healing journey. As you will notice, there are other suggested readings along the way. You can always add to your work on this workbook with the help of other books and workbooks. I certainly don't claim that this workbook is "exhaustive." It is the most complete workbook that I am aware of, but it is only one book. More and more, we are seeing ministries publish similar materials.

Never consider that you have to be "loyal" only to this workbook. A workbook is a tool. It is for your benefit. If there are other materials that help you with your healing journey, that's great; use them to support your journey to freedom and healing.

The main thing to remember is that your L.I.F.E. group will concentrate on the Seven Principles of staying sober. I have seen that rigorous and thorough work is the best way to start healing. Finally, you may start filling more than one journal or notebook. That is great. Journaling is one of the best emotional and spiritual tools there is, and working in this workbook may just be the start of this great spiritual discipline. You may already know that many great writers journal regularly. As you read and study Scripture for the rest of your L.I.F.E., writing your thoughts and feelings may become like a friend, one that helps you grow continually.

Please don't hesitate to call someone at L.I.F.E. Ministries International if you find yourself not understanding what to do at any time. Your local group should give you a list of phone numbers. You can always ask another "journeyman" who has been doing this for some time to help you. As you progress, you will become more comfortable with the idea of asking for help.

Most of all, I pray that the God of all peace and understanding will keep your heart and mind focused on Christ Jesus throughout this journey.

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