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Building Blocks of Effective Group Process: Reflective Listening by Melissa Haas, author of the L.I.F.E. Guide for Spouses I come to all of my relationships in life and in group with one basic premise: we were created for relationship…and, we stink at it. Having a good group is all about modeling and teaching others how to relate authentically in a manner that energizes who we most truly are as members of the Body of Christ and frees God’s Spirit within in us to move in ways that heal, restore, and grow us up in Him. Authentic relationships begin when we listen to each other—not our words so much as the heart underneath them. Unfortunately, often when we listen, we are thinking about how we should respond or what we would do in that same situation. Unconsciously, we move from listening to interpreting and in doing so, miss the heart of the person sharing with us. One skill I constantly re-emphasize with my small group leaders is reflective listening. Reflective listening is intentionally focusing on the emotions I hear in the story of the person sharing and reflecting those emotions back periodically throughout the conversation. It is not summarizing the facts of what the person has shared; it is shining a light on what the person’s heart looked like as they told the story. For example, a woman is sharing about finding pornography on her husband’s computer. There may be all kinds of details involved, but what I see on her face as she talks is fear over-laid with anger. As she shares, I might reflect back something along the lines of, "You were very afraid." Because the anger dominates her heart, she may be shocked to realize that fear came before anger. As she sees her own heart, she can address the underlying emotions and the terror that drives much of her behavior now. The same is true for those struggling with sexual behaviors. Instead of summarizing what happened, you target the heart in your reflection. "When your boss criticized you, you felt inadequate." Identifying the heart feeling can help strugglers begin to see how they are triggered, allowing them to learn how to respond differently to the triggers they encounter. Reflective listening is an invaluable tool to help those that have disconnected from their emotions begin seeing their own hearts. For those who feel unloved and worthless, being heard and understood for the first time can be powerfully healing. You can practice reflective listening by talking with a friend or fellow group facilitator and only reflecting what you see and hear from their hearts—not asking any questions. Try it for five minutes. You may be surprised at how difficult it is to truly listen to a heart. But, it is a skill that will change the way your group processes together. Comments about this Article: (0 comments) |
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