In the August 2009 edition ...

] From the Directors

] Going Home

] Building Blocks of Effective Group Process: Reflective Listening

] This Is My L.I.F.E.: A Journey from Brokenness to Leadership

] Connect with L.I.F.E.

] Prayer Request

] Devotional: JE-Thirty-Three-Three

From the Directors ...

By Johna Hale, Executive Director

We are so grateful and encouraged by the positive feedback that we have received from the attendees at the L.I.F.E. Training and Certification conference.  The encouragement definitely comes from hearing from many individuals how L.I.F.E. groups have been such a life changing experience.  One mother came from Florida at the request of her son, who is in a L.I.F.E. Group in another state.  She stood up and gave a testimony on how his L.I.F.E. Group has helped save her son's marriage and his life.  We heard testimony after testimony with similar praise reports.  We give all the honor and glory to the Lord.
 
I personally started the conference Friday evening with my own story.  I talked about the pain and shame of my past , having been a sex addict myself and the spouse of several sex addicts; and how I felt compelled to leave the church because it wasn't a safe place which I was convinced wouldn't accept me. The Lord has used that shame and pain from the past to provide that safe place in the church for others, through the L.I.F.E. groups.  For this, I am truly grateful
 
Sue and Larry, the primary presenters, gave an enormous amount of information.  In fact, we were not able to cover all the subject matter on some of the topics. The L.I.F.E. Ministry team has since met and gone over the feedback forms, and we are planning an even more in-depth training event next year.  To accomplish this, the training will be a full two days, with break-out workshops using experienced L.I.F.E. team members as instructors.  We are exploring the use of two training tracks: one for existing facilitators and another for folks seeking overall recovery knowledge.  We are planning on such training becoming an annual event.   
 
During the coming year, Sue will make training available in person to any church or organization that would like to benefit from her expertise.  The post conference evaluations confirmed her skill and dedication as a teacher and speaker.  She is an incredible gift to the ministry, to help us build community and train facilitators for even more effective groups.  Several attended who weren't facilitators and told us of their enthusiasm to learn more about sexual addiction and sponsorship, among many other valuable tools.
 
We have many exciting new ways of communicating on our new website which will be available soon.  The Lord certainly is blessing L.I.F.E. with many ways to reach God's hurting and struggling people; including a program to translate L.I.F.E. Guides into Spanish, Arabic, Russian and Chinese, and thus be available to reach roughly half the world.  We are humbled and eternally grateful to all who are helping make this possible.

Going Home

By Larry G., Director of Leadership Development

Like the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15, every one of us that walks through the door of a L.I.F.E. group meeting will make a decision. We will decide not only to start a journey of recovery and healing, we will decide to finally go home. The Greek word for repentance means to stop and turn around, to begin doing the opposite, to have a change of mind and heart. In sexual addiction recovery, it means to turn around and return home.

“When he came to his senses…”  Luke 15: 17 (NIV)

Like the lost son, we have squandered the riches of life with wasteful living. And in the fields, amongst the swine; have we now come to our senses and surrendered the center of the universe back to its rightful Owner? Inviting God back into the center of the universe and realizing that He is the Creator and we are His creation are the first steps in returning Home.

Returning home also begins with humility and sadness. In Nehemiah 1, after hearing the news of the destruction of the wall and gates of Jerusalem, Nehemiah was so impacted that it says:

 “When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted…” (NIV)

Acknowledging or understanding the depth of the pain and destruction we have wrought is the beginning of humility. Soon after, Nehemiah prays a prayer of repentance and requests release from his service to the king to return home. Going home for the lost son resulted in a huge celebration. Conversely, Nehemiah returned home to great sadness and destruction.

Like the prodigal son, when we make the final approach to our Father’s house, He will be there waiting for us with open arms and a grand celebration. But in our present, temporal lives, how many of us find out that, just because we’ve decided to finally make the right choices after years and years of sinful and selfish choices, that return home may not necessarily mean a “Welcome Home” celebration?

Going home will require accepting the consequences of our choices and acknowledging the task of rebuilding the walls around our home. Recovery is a journey, a choice, a project. It is not automatic; it requires deliberate, intentional efforts. Recovery is also ongoing, there are no finite checklists or timeframes that can be listed and run through to produce a healthy, normal life.

Living in addiction is exhausting and lonely. Returning home brings surrender, a familiarity and relief. It is the place in which we can heal and bring wellness back to our lives and the lives or our family or relationships. It is a choice we pray you will make.

Building Blocks of Effective Group Process: Reflective Listening

by Melissa Haas, author of the L.I.F.E. Guide for Spouses

I come to all of my relationships in life and in group with one basic premise: we were created for relationship…and, we stink at it. Having a good group is all about modeling and teaching others how to relate authentically in a manner that energizes who we most truly are as members of the Body of Christ and frees God’s Spirit within in us to move in ways that heal, restore, and grow us up in Him.

Authentic relationships begin when we listen to each other—not our words so much as the heart underneath them. Unfortunately, often when we listen, we are thinking about how we should respond or what we would do in that same situation. Unconsciously, we move from listening to interpreting and in doing so, miss the heart of the person sharing with us.

One skill I constantly re-emphasize with my small group leaders is reflective listening. Reflective listening is intentionally focusing on the emotions I hear in the story of the person sharing and reflecting those emotions back periodically throughout the conversation. It is not summarizing the facts of what the person has shared; it is shining a light on what the person’s heart looked like as they told the story.

For example, a woman is sharing about finding pornography on her husband’s computer. There may be all kinds of details involved, but what I see on her face as she talks is fear over-laid with anger. As she shares, I might reflect back something along the lines of, “You were very afraid.” Because the anger dominates her heart, she may be shocked to realize that fear came before anger. As she sees her own heart, she can address the underlying emotions and the terror that drives much of her behavior now.

The same is true for those struggling with sexual behaviors. Instead of summarizing what happened, you target the heart in your reflection. “When your boss criticized you, you felt inadequate.” Identifying the heart feeling can help strugglers begin to see how they are triggered, allowing them to learn how to respond differently to the triggers they encounter.

Reflective listening is an invaluable tool to help those that have disconnected from their emotions begin seeing their own hearts. For those who feel unloved and worthless, being heard and understood for the first time can be powerfully healing. You can practice reflective listening by talking with a friend or fellow group facilitator and only reflecting what you see and hear from their hearts—not asking any questions. Try it for five minutes. You may be surprised at how difficult it is to truly listen to a heart. But, it is a skill that will change the way your group processes together.

This Is My L.I.F.E.: A Journey from Brokenness to Leadership

submitted by Chris W.

It was truly divine intervention that brought me to L.I.F.E. Ministries.  The same Google that had brought me to numerous adult websites was now my tool in a desperate search to find help and find it fast.  I had just “celebrated” my 36th birthday with a phone call from my wife rightfully interrogating me for an exchange of flirtatious emails with a female acquaintance she had found on my computer.  This was coming three months after I had been caught in an affair and we were in counseling “working” on our marriage.  This was also during an on-going period of viewing pornography over the last twenty years.

I was knocked to my knees by the Holy Spirit that day, May 22, 2007 and He told me that my problem was much bigger than lust.  It was much deeper than just “typical male behavior”.  It was much more than what the world had conditioned me to believe: sexual conquest is a natural need that men cannot overcome; we just do our best to deal with it as Christian men and husbands.  I had hit rock-bottom.  I was facing my second divorce, complete shame and embarrassment, and utter failure as a man, Christian, husband, and father.

I typed and Googled “sexual-addiction” and was brought to L.I.F.E. Ministries.  In my typical black and white, Type-A style, I went directly to the first listing and contacted local meeting location leaders and sought to attend my first meeting.  I would have to wait a few days to go to the meeting, but I soon began my journey along the path of L.I.F.E..  It was a 30-mile drive from home but I was determined it was worth it.

Its funny how first impressions can be so lasting, as my first introduction was to Glenn.  Immediately I was impressed with his knowledge, demeanor, strength, yet vulnerability.  He had a striking similarity to a high school acquaintance of mine; a guy who was like the big brother I never had and someone who I respected and emulated yet feared.  My relationship with Glen grew and continues today as my sponsor, “big brother”, mentor, and friend.  L.I.F.E. has taught me many things, but the importance of positive Christian accountability partners may be the most significant.

I poured my over-achieving and affirmation-needing personality into L.I.F.E. group and was selected to help lead a few readings and co-facilitate our group.  The Lord brought us three other men from my local area to this place of healing 30 miles away over the next few months. Simultaneously gas pricing went above $4.00 per gallon.  We started car-pooling but somewhere along the line, the Lord whispered in my ear to consider my own backyard,.  Now I was truly in the learning stages of struggling with serenity in my own walk and sobriety, but I quickly learned that I could minister out of my own weakness.  I reflect on the scripture in Mathew 10:18-20, which encourages “for what you are to say will be given you in that very hour and moment.  For it is not you who are speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you”.  There was a need to help men right in my town.  Why drive 30 miles when within a three-mile radius there were men struggling as I did?

We started a local L.I.F.E. group in September of 2008 at one church and while they were open and receptive to allowing us space, they were not interested in embracing the ministry and finding help for men in the church. 

After several months of prayer, discussions with L.I.F.E. leadership, and introductions to another local church, we moved the ministry.  We found an awesome receptiveness, appreciation, and knowledge for the need of the ministry.  The pastors have been overwhelmingly supportive for our group.  They have allowed safe, healthy promotion for the group while maintaining confidentiality for those from within the church.  Our partnership with this church is as perfect as the Lord allows.  Right now I see no boundaries and many men walking free from this affliction! 

The L.I.F.E. journey is well underway.  My life, not just my marriage, has been saved.  I have awareness and serenity that I never knew were possible.  I will always have temptation, but as a child of God, I am now free of the ONE struggle that has plagued me since my teenage years.  L.I.F.E. has led me alongside and closer to God.  I am called to lead and teach other men what I have learned.  This is my L.I.F.E.

Connect with L.I.F.E.

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Prayer Request

L.I.F.E. thanks all those that pray for this ministry, prayer is the most powerful support you can provide to L.I.F.E. Please join us in prayer each day at 9 am and/or 9 pm EST, praying:

(Suggested Prayer) Heavenly Father, thank you for the love that you show me each day. I know that there are many out there clouded in shame. Please reveal your grace to them through channels in their lives. Help them to feel the comfort only You can provide while they seek help. Father, L.I.F.E. group facilitators sacrifice their time to help others, may their seeds yield 100 fold. I pray that they feel the rewards you have in store for them. Today I also pray for group members, that you touch each of them individually and encourage them to live everyday in sexual integrity. Father, your servants in L.I.F.E. Ministries are answering your call. Please guide them coming days as the prepare for battle. And that all involved in building your Kingdom through L.I.F.E. are protected from attack, hear Your desires, and experience joy. Amen.

Thank you all for your heart for this ministry and the important work each of your roles, from group members to pastors, contributes to this ministry

Devotional: JE Thirty-Three-Three

Corresponds with Principle 6, Assignment 3

Scripture: Jeremiah 33: 1-9

Verse: Jeremiah 33: 3  “Call to me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know. “NKJV

I have no head for remembering numbers but I can still remember my phone number from 50 years ago.  Back then, times were simpler and surely phone numbers reflected the times.  Phone numbers had a prefix that was the street, neighborhood or area where you lived.  If you lived in the Riverside neighborhood, your prefix may have been “Riverside,” then your four digit phone number.  You would tell someone, “Call me at Riverside – 4597.”  They would dial, “RI-4597.”

Did you know God has a phone number?  Today’s verse of the day is it, Jeremiah 33:3.  In it God is asking us to call Him at JE-33-3.  If we do, He is promising to answer and He will show us great and mighty things.

By now, you should have your sponsor’s and several accountability partners’ phone numbers memorized.  You need to be calling on a regular basis so when you need them at a time of temptation or at the beginning of your acting out cycle, you will call them.  Also, don’t forget God’s phone number.  Call JE-33-3.  Call on Him and He will answer.

Prayer:  Hello God, I know I should call You more often.  It is comforting to know You are always there when I call. Thank You, Lord, for keeping it simple for me.  Give me the desire to call others today.  Lord, I know the contact is important to my recovery.  As I call on You throughout the coming days, let that be my reminder to make my calls to others.  Thank You, Lord, AMEN.

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