Admitting our True Condition

Admitting our true condition is the first exercise from the L.I.F.E. Guide for Men, our primary workbook resource for men seeking sexual integrity. None of the information below will be saved, shared or read by anyone but you. If you would prefer to print out this excersize and complete the writing assignments on paper, please download "Admitting Our True Condition" (must be logged in).

Principle One

We admit that we have absolutely no control of our lives. Sexual sin has become unmanagable.

Confronting Reality: I'm Shackled in My Own Prison

Congratulations! Despite long years of deceit, lies, self-denial, minimizing, fears, shame and manipulation, you have come to a [place of healing]. You have been wanting to, thinking that you perhaps should, wondering if it was the right thing. you have resisted, found excuses not to, wondered who would find out, and worried about the consequences of getting honest. You have thought that no one would really understand. You have either thought that you have done the worst things possible and that no one else has ever done them, or that your stuff is not so bad and that you really don't need to [heal]. Hear these words:

Welcome.
You're in the right place.
We're glad you're here.

Imagine what it must have been like for the Prodigal Son. He just wanted to be home. He didn't think that he deserved to be in the same status as before because his sins were so great. He just wanted to be like one of his father's hired servants. Maybe you're like that, you are simply glad to be alive and able to get to a [supportive environment]. You'd just like to be here and be quiet and belong.

The Prodigal Son's father, hoever, rushed out to meet him and prepared a great feast. That is what it is like with God. We want to be "imitators of God, just like little childre." You've just arrived on the bus or entered the lunchroom or ventured onto the playground. We rush over to greet you. We've been where you've been. We're glad you've come. There won't be a great feast but we can go to coffee later.

Your first assignment is to just get honest. We know that the greatest enemy of sexual fidelity is silence. We want you to tell us how bad it got and what it was like to feel powerless over your life. You are now going to confront those demons in your mind that are telling you, "No! I can't talk about that. Someone will go running and screaming out of the room if I reveal all of that." There is nothing, certainly no sexual sin that separates you from the love of God. Chances are that others in your group have done some of the same things. The assignment that you are about to undertake will take great courage. It will be a risk, but, it is worth it.

Assignment One - Admitting Our True Condition

Unhealthy sexual behaviors have been variously divided into categories and groups of categories. In his first book, Dr. Patrick Carnes grouped such behaviors[: Basic or Building Block Behaviors, Paraphillic or Level Two Behaviors, and Offending Behavior.] As you look at these, note the behaviors that you have struggled with and to what degree, even if you were only involved with a particular behavior once. Try to remember how many times you have done each of these.

You may have to estimate. No one remembers, for example, how many times they have masturbated. State how often this most recently took place (once a day or more, once a week, and so on). If you need further explanation of the categories, try reading Dr. Carnes' book, Out of the Shadows. My [Dr. Mark Laaser's] book, Faithful and True, also divides sexual behaviors in this way and defines each one.

[It is recommended that you list the following items if they apply to you and complete the Began and How Often blanks.]

Basic or Building Block Behaviors

Paraphillic or Level Two Behaviors

Offending Behavior

Writing Exercise : Your Sexual History

Plot a timeline of your life. One easy way is to draw a vertical line down the left side of a page (about an inch from the left of the paper), with your age marked to the left of the line at different intervals (beginning with your earliest years and continuing to your present age). This timeline, then, could be several pages long depending on the amount of history you have to record. In the space to the right of each age, record your sexual and relationship behaviors. The following questions can provide a beginning point, but add anything else relevant that comes to mind. One result of preparing this history is that you’ll probably see how your sexual addiction developed over time.

1. What is your earliest memory of being sexual? How old were you? What happened? Was there anyone else involved?

2. Note the times when the frequency of certain sexual behaviors increased and when new forms of sexual acting out occurred.

3. Addicts act out when they are tired, lonely, angry, anxious, sad, afraid, or bored. Often these emotions work in combinations. Can you recognize times when these feelings prompted your acting out? If so, indicate on your timeline when this was true.

4. Every addict has made various promises and attempts to stop. List some of the times and actions you have taken to stop your sexual or relationship behaviors. Make sure to list your most recent efforts.

One of the clearest signs of an addiction is when we continue in a behavior even though we experience negative consequences. It’s obvious to those around us that we’re paying a high price for our behavior, yet we keep doing the same thing. What consequences have you experienced due to your sexual acting out? The next exercise guides you in plotting the results of your sexual and relational behavior.

Writing Exercise : Your Consequences

Make a list of your consequences and note when they occurred on your timeline. (Consider using a different color pen for your consequences.) Perhaps it will help you remember if you think of various categories:

Addicts act out when they are tired, lonely, angry, anxious, sad, afraid or bored. Often these emotions work in combinations. Can you recognize times when you acted out when you felt these ways? If so, describe a time when this was true.

You may also find similar work in the other workbook listed in the resource section. Finally, some of you may be familiar with 12-step materials like the SA "White Book." For this assignment you would include any work that you have done surrounding step one.

Now, writing all of this information in your journal is one thing -- it is a step toward being honest. But it is not the final step. Ask yourself, how long you have kept this information to your self. What lies have you told to cover up this story? It is a story, isn't it? It is a part of who you are. It doesn't define you, but it does belong to you. For years you have been thinking, "If people knew this part of my story, they would hate me and leave me. They wouldn't want to be around me." Your feelings of fear have been your oppressor. They have kept you hostage. Your silence has been the result. Silence has been your companion. Lies have guarded your silence. Loneliness has become all too familiar. you ahve had two lives, the one that others know, and the one that only you know. The public one may have many friends, but the silent one has none. Your silent self pervades and overwhelms all else in the darkness of your loneliness. It is time for your two selves to unite.

The only way to do that is to break the silence. That is what your group is for. They are the brothers who will stand with you. They won't go running and screaming out of the room. They have done many of the same things you have. They will understand. Confront your fears. Be of good courage. Share the story. Your group [if you have joined a support group] will give you a chance to do so in the group setting. You may not tell all of it the first time, but eventually you must. You may want to practice with one or two members of the group first. You will find a tremendous sense of relief in doing so.